As the years pass in so many blinks of an eye
I find myself with a new perspective on the notion of adulthood:
By living in the modern day,
One can no longer argue that fertility is reason enough to procreate.
I believe that being in a state of true reproductive maturity is mental.
It is much more than a question of physical development.
It entails using the brain as the key to strive in the struggle for existence.
It is downright Darwinian.
As the dominant -however careless- species on this planet
Especially in these so-called “United” States
We have the ultimate luxury of not having to fend for ourselves
In the most physically literal sense of the term.
We are not adapted to forage for food, or to safeguard the nest
from beings who reach higher on the food web than our kind does.
Instead, those individuals with the most monetary wealth
And a competitive, eugenically hardworking disposition
Hold the best odds of guaranteeing social survival to their offspring.
It is a ruthless determination of a different form.
Survival of the fittest, in a pecuniary sense.
With this new found understanding,
Which comes to mind in the most obscurely obvious way- almost instinctual-
I realize that I am arriving to that very crucial point of maturity
Where even in my youth, my concerns are for my future children,
And passing on a resourceful mental state
That will spark a yearning for success in the young who proceed me.
By finding a mate who is physically fit, but more importantly,
One who is mentally adept, and persevering <3
By constantly strengthening my frame of mind,
Searching for new intellectual advantages to share with future generations.
By securing a flow of monetary resources,
In order to provide for my young to the best of my capacity.
And finally, by finding a space to establish my brood
Where I can calmly nurture my young and with any hope,
To raise them in an environment where they are most prepared
to reach their own goals and develop their budding minds, soundly.
Though some would take these beliefs as common sense,
And may find it foolish to perceive these goals as original or clever,
The difference, I would argue, is that I intend on reaching mine…
But after being faced with enough pain and heartache,
One can finally see with the utmost clarity how beautiful the world can be.
The things in our lives which can brighten our darkest day
become all the more vivid,
The loved ones who illuminate our path to emotional and mental clarity
are even more appreciated,
after one has known the feeling of reaching their personal oblivion.
I consider myself to be extremely lucky to have such beautiful people in my life.
But, there is not a feeling that quite compares
To the remarkable one received
in finding the pieces of your once fragmented self
Instantly repaired by the presence of another person.
At the most beautiful state of equilibrium,
Neither giving nor receiving too much or too little,
Just the perfect balance of rationality and passion.
I look back at everything that has happened in my past,
The highs, the lows, the happiness, the devastation
I look at it all now & I see it in an entirely different light
I can embrace it all, in its glorious combination of ecstasy and suffering
Because it has, and will continue to- define my path upon this Earth
I can embrace it all because it has brought me to you.
I look at you, and for the first time in a while, I feel no pain.
I no longer feel cold and empty the way I did before we met.
I feel a delicious warmth and a sense of fulfillment.
One that seems familiar and comforting,
But at the same time alien and dangerous to me.
And that absolutely fascinates me.
I am confident that this balanced spectrum of emotion is healthy and natural
And that it will only make the experiences that we share together
& the lessons that we are meant to learn from one other,
all the more satisfying.
I must say that I look forward to what our timelines have in store for us.
Maybe I have never allowed myself the time to truly get to know someone
Before opening my heart to them completely.
Or perhaps, no one ever took the time to get to know and appreciate me
The way I feel that you do.
The heaviest revelation I’ve had to come to terms with in the passed few months
Is that we are not granted enough lifetime to waste by withholding feelings
Or by internalizing the thoughts that should be shared with others in our lives.
Having said this,
I want to take this opportunity to tell you,
That I deeply appreciate everything that you do for me.
No matter how significant or trivial,
I want you to know that it does not go unnoticed.
I have the utmost respect for you as a gentleman,
& Without hesitation, I can say that I consider you a special person in my life
And I also have the unshakable urge to tell you
That its hard to get you out of my head…
And although that vulnerability absolutely terrifies me,
I’m finally allowing my heart to be exposed again
because I know that you are certainly worth that risk.
I can only wonder what the universe has in store for the two of us,
But I honestly hope that we share a common path somewhere along that journey
And regardless of what happens in the end,
We will both undoubtedly become fingerprints stamped in the other’s memory.
